Im usually a pritty easy going person, i dont usually stress out, my blood pressure stays pritty low. the concept of a panic attack if pritty foreign. Rign now though i just want to cry. My babysitter flaked out on me, im facing the real possibility of looking this apartment if i cant find a roomie. Im so happy wit that fact that im in school finally. wich makes it thats much worse that thises things that are now working out will signifigantly hinder my ability to keep going. and i CANT stop going. i just cant.
once upon a time i had friends and family. i had to move away from my best friend in the whole world. my parents are gone for one reason or another. my brother chris, my rock. is dead now. his birthday was yesterday. my relationship deterioated to the point where we couldent stand eachother. and i made the chioce to leave that situation even though it meant leaving the only stable, extended family situation ive ever had. jeffs family say they stiil love me. but there is a change and its to be expected. before i moved out, for about 2 or 3 years i was so depressed and i didnt even know it. part of it was the state of our relationship and part of it was not having my narcolepsy medication and fealing worthless. those things have been remidied and i feal so much better for it. up untill a few days ago anyway.
I dont regret my decision to say enough is enough. i just wish i had some support thru what has been the hardest time in my life. im not depressed like i was anymore. right now though im incredibly sad, lonely and scared. for a few months it seemd like everything was working out. now it seems like everything ive achived is balancing on the edge of a clif. and im terified.